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Почитал называется шуточки про реднеков

Posted by news on 12.11.2016 in Основное |

Почитал называется шуточки про реднеков.
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you think your license plate is personalized because your father made it for you
http://lurkmore.to/Реднек

угу, нашел. Вагон.

You Might Be a Redneck if...
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
A tornado came through your town and made 100,000 dollars in improvements
You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
Your boat has not left the driveway (or front yard) in 15 years.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You have ever used lard in bed.
You own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
You have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper entertainment.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
The primary color of your car is bondo.
Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
You see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug.
You consider the fifth grade your senior year.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.
You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
You actually wrote to Ford requesting the rules to Truck Football.
You actually pay attention to what is said on those fishing shows.
You see a sign that says "Don't do Crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.
Nobody but nobody can overhaul a transmission like Momma.
Your momma keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
No two tires on your car are the same size.
You regard the Styrofoam ice chest as the 8th wonder of the world.
You measure distance in six packs instead of miles.
Your best pair of shoes have numbers on the back.
When you kissed the bride, your John Deere hat fell off.
You get your daily requirement for fiber from toothpicks.
Your marriage license is on the rear floorboard of the GTO.
Your kids went hungry last night because you just had to have the Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
Your watchband is wider than any book that you ever read.
Your wife has earrings that double as fishing lures.
Your e-mail address ends in over.yonder.com.
Your satellite dish has more square feet than your house.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You have a crack in the windshield that is longer than your arm and has been there for more than a year.
You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
You have ever fished, using a crank-up telephone.
You have ever fished, using explosives.
You actually know which leaves make a good substitute for toilet paper.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
You've been on TV more than three times explaining how the tornado sounded.
the Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
you wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
you think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
you have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
you can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
you think your license plate is personalized because your father made it for you
your family tree does not branch.

.you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45s.
.you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
.your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
.you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
.you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
.that billboard that says, "Say No To Crack" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
.your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
.you go to your family reunions looking for a date.
.you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
.your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
.you've got more than three cousins named "Bubba".
.you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
.taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
.you've got more than one other named "Darryl".
.you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin' contest.
.on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
.you've ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.
.your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.
.your child's first words were, "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"
.your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.
.your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'.
.you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
.you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's Eve party.
.you've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
.you've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
.you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
.you've ever valet parked a snow plow.
.you've ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.
.you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
.you've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
.you've ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.
.there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
.you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.
.the strongest smell in your house is butane.
.you think paprika is a Third World country.
.you ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?"
.you go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
.you have a bumper sticker that says, "My mother's an honor student" at the local junior high.
.you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
.you played the banjo in your high school band.
.the velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.

Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them day-vorce's."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church on Sundays."

The attorney said, "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No Sir, we both get up about 4:30."

The attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?"
The farmer said, "no , she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger, and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"

http://www.rantnroll.com/html/redneck.html

http://scif-yar.livejournal.com/1892256.html

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